Dreams

I

As the teeth fall out of my mouth, I catch them in my lucky mason jar. They make a clinky-dinky-dink sound as they hit the glass bottom. I have quite the collection so far. 15 teeth or so, most have split or crumbled but a few remain intact. My off-white beauties. As I look down in admiration, I feel my two remaining bottom teeth wiggle out of their sockets. I spit out the pairing. An impressive sliver of plaque glues them together. I stick a toothpick in there and wiggle the mighty offender free. By some miracle, the teeth remain a pair. I place my gravity-defying treasure into my jar and set my collection down on the bathroom sink. Checking myself out in the mirror, I see that the right side of my face has swollen up to the size of a baseball. Red and puffy, I call my aunt and beg her for a ride to the dentist. My words are jumbled and wet. Consonants devolve into vowels as my gums adjust to all of this new real estate. I tell my aunt that I don't have the money for surgery. She will have to spot me, but I swear to pay her back once the money comes in.

We arrive at the dentist. My aunt holds the door open for me. I stumble in behind her, delirious from the pain, trying not to spill my teeth. I place my jar on the counter. My aunt throws a couple of hundred-dollar bills in there. The receptionist looks on in horror. I flash her a wide grin before passing out on the floor.

II

My father washes his face with soap and water, pats his skin dry with a towel, and admires his work in the mirror. When he tilts his head back, he discovers quite the development. In his right nostril lies a full-fledged picture-perfect nativity scene. On this holy land stands a crusty Joseph, Mary, and a little baby booger Jesus. Animals are looking on. There are donkeys with cilia manes. Oxen with big hooves stomp around on the septum. There’s a sheep tucked in the back corner, its wool irritates my father’s sinuses. The wise men stand around but they carry no gifts: No frankincense. No myrrh.  Surely no gold.  Only snot. My father mutters “Huh” and then blows his nose into a tissue…. It’s blasphemous, really.